Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
