I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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