ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
