saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
