I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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