So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
