did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
