its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
