my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"