That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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