wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
