I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
