It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
