I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
