I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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