she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
