even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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