Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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