This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Randomize
