I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
