After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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