That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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