What did we do last night that was yellow?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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