yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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