Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
