I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
