i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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