I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
