i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
