just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
soo... how was my night?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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