I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
