I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize