I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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