do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
