i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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