just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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