When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.