She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!