he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
