Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
