he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
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I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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