I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
