I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My vagina is officially offended.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
