is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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