Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
