I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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