Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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