if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I want her autograph on my taint
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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