You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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