What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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