EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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