I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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