She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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