if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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