Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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