I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
