you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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